Talk Talk Talk Talk Talk Myself to Death: Donuts Incognito

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Donuts Incognito

To lighten things up for a moment, why must filled donuts keep their identities a secret? Sure, they have that little hole on the end, but at best all you get is a color. Sometimes you might see maroon peaking out of that little hole, but that could mean raspberry, strawberry, or even grape jelly. The other day I had an encounter with a box of donuts that I expected (for reasons I won't go into right now) to be lemon-filled, raspberry-filled, or coconut (actually, the Dunkin' Donuts Website only lists chocolate coconut cake donuts; I don't especially like coconut, so I didn't have one, but the ones we had from Dunkin' Donuts sure didn't look chocolate to me). I had one of the lemon-filled and enjoyed it quite a bit. I went back to get another one, but when I bit into it, out of nowhere, all of a sudden it was filled with vanilla custard. I didn't want vanilla custard! (I was taught to eat everything on my plate, though, so I finished it.) Since I'd been thwarted in enjoying a second lemon-filled, I went back for a third donut, got my second lemon-filled but didn't enjoy it that much because I really shouldn't have had three donuts.

But why do donut makers have to make their fillings such a mystery? Perhaps there was someone present who would have wanted the vanilla-custard donut I ate by mistake, but they were deprived. I'm somewhat reminded of the line from the movie Forrest Gump, "Life is like a box of chocolates--you never know what you're going to get." Actually, you do know what you're going to get in a box of chocolates, at least if it's a Whitman's Sampler, because there's the little diagram that comes with it showing which chocolates are where. But you don't have that luxury in a box of donuts. That's our real metaphor for the mystery of life. (Another mystery is why don't Dunkin' Donuts have any pictures of donuts on their Website? They're going way overboard in trying to sell the coffee.)

11 Comments:

At 9:34 AM, June 16, 2005, Anonymous Chuck G said...

Given your description of the donut event, I can only conclude that these were, in fact, the donuts that I bought when you came to my play reading the other night. If that is the case, then I am truly dismayed, as I did not ask for any vanilla custard donuts. I cleaned out their supply of lemon filled, and they would appear, either by design or by carelessness, to have passed off a pedestrian vanilla custard as a pale substitute for the regal lemon filled. In the absence of any apology from the Dunkin' Donuts Corporation, I offer my own apology, but if you would like to protest in person, the offending location is the Dunkin' Donuts on the corner of Clark and Belmont in Chicago. In fact, I would like to suggest that all of the readers of this blog should boycott that location for a full day. Vote with your feet, people! There, I feel better now, having dined on the fruits (and the donuts) of our democratic heritage.

 
At 11:11 AM, June 16, 2005, Anonymous Doug said...

Those are the donuts in question, Chuck, but I had no intention of implicating you in the affair. You were certainly within your rights to have brought vanilla-custard donuts if you'd wished. But your response does introduce an interesting implication. Do donut makers hide the filling of their donuts so they can fool you into buying ones you don't want? Is their mystery just part of some sort of bait and switch in the pastry industry? Whether that's the case or not, thank you belatedly for the donuts, and I'm glad to have been temporarily able to coax you from your normal lurker status.

 
At 12:55 PM, June 16, 2005, Anonymous rick said...

Oh Dougie:

There's more profit margin in coffee. Although donuts are much more addicting.

I know. I drive by a DD after every comedy show. It's hard to drown in powdered sugar!

 
At 5:52 PM, June 16, 2005, Blogger Don said...

Doug, this is an important question. It sounds like they were 1 donut short of the full order and figured that by the time you figured out it would be too late.

I think they should put little identifying stickers on each donut like they do with produce now in the grocery.

Or how about self-serve? With clearly marked injectors over by the napkins and the sugar, you could squirt your own filling into the empty pastry.


But dude, seriously, if you get maroon-colored filling and it turns out to be strawberry, you've got a real problem.

 
At 8:39 AM, June 17, 2005, Blogger Stuart Shea said...

What's scaring me is that this topic is generating so many comments!

 
At 8:54 AM, June 17, 2005, Anonymous B. Lewberry said...

This is why I never eat the filled donuts. It is just too risky. Vanilla custard can ruin your whole day. At dunkin donuts I stick with the cake donuts, or the munchkins -the non-filled variety for god sakes!

 
At 11:24 AM, June 17, 2005, Anonymous Doug said...

You're right, Rick, coffee has by far the higher profit margin, particularly when they add some syrup and drizzle a little foam on top and then charge $4. But all I'm asking for on the Dunkin' Donuts Website is one friggin' picture of a donut!

 
At 11:31 AM, June 17, 2005, Anonymous Doug said...

Thanks for stopping by, Lewberry, come back any time. I think you're right--I'm extremely wary over which filled donuts I choose, and even then, it's only at Dunkin' Donuts. Although Krispy Kreme glazed donuts are sublime, I've never been anything but disappointed with any of their other varieties. But I must respectfully disagree with you on cake donuts. I'm a yeast donut man all the way.

 
At 3:29 PM, June 17, 2005, Anonymous B. Lewberry said...

Doug - you're the man!! Your blog is now on my list of things to read bro.

Let me clarify my last statement. I like the cake donuts at dunkin donuts. I LOVE yeast donuts but only from Krispy Kreme. No one else can do it like them but you're right, KK's other donuts are lacking something. Except the chocolate glazed, which is my absolute favorite.

 
At 8:57 PM, June 17, 2005, Blogger Stuart Shea said...

I have never been able to get through even one full glazed donut from Krispy Kreme. The first bite is heaven, but two bites later I feel as if I've been slipped a mickey.

 
At 5:35 PM, June 18, 2005, Anonymous Homer Simpson said...

mmmm.... purrrple.

 

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